Have you ever heard of nonviolent communication - or NVC?
Sometimes considered a language of "Care Bears," this communication method is an heir to the peace movement led by Gandhi. But learning to use it won't turn you into a barefoot hippie with a flower crown on your head.
No, you won't need to grow your hair or stop combing it! However, using NVC can truly transform your relationships:
When Marshall Rosenberg invented the concept of nonviolent communication in the 1960s, he wanted to revolutionize the way we interact. He proposed a new language where arguments transform into constructive discussions.
Sounds dreamy, doesn't it?
No more saying things you regret two seconds after you've said them, no more getting offended at the slightest criticism or letting anger take over.
We assure you, reading this article won't suddenly turn you into a smooth, goody-two-shoes character like Eric Camden in 7th Heaven. However, you can find keys to better share your emotions and stop getting defensive in the face of criticism.
You don't need to stay stuck in patterns that prevent you from thriving. That's why we created the online training Empowered, capable of changing your mindset deeply and sustainably.
About 5,000 years ago, humans began to consider themselves as inherently evil beings. At least that's what Walter Wink claims in "The Powers That Be."
This belief has justified tons of behaviors, from the worst war crimes to the most insignificant gossip thrown around during lunch breaks.
Except that like any belief, it has real effects in everyday life. Such as the creation of a specific language and communication strategy.
For Marshall Rosenberg, this is the main reason why we struggle to get out of the culture of domination and continue to have violent exchanges.
This language is everywhere. It's as common in informal communication, commercial communication, as it is in group communication. And it constantly refers to the same game: "Who is better and who is worse?"
If this question doesn't ring a bell, have you never thought or said:
... And hundreds of other examples that oppose good and evil by creating a simplistic hierarchy and forgetting that everything has two sides.
The first step to developing this tool of benevolent communication at work or with your loved ones is therefore to become aware of, and then abandon this binary and limited way of thinking.
It may seem obvious, but it's not that easy! Because we have been formatted to think and communicate in this way.
We constantly adapt our behaviors according to our environment, to what is perceived as good or bad. That's why you didn't cover the walls with paint in kindergarten. But it's also why as a teenager, you ended up at the police station to impress your group of friends.
In both cases, you were guided by punishment or reward:
In the form of criticism or praise, the common root to all this is judgment.
The goal is not to stop judging: you are not a Buddha and we don't claim to be one either! Especially since it's thanks to judgment that we can survive, classify information, orient ourselves in time and space.
However, we can limit our judgments and learn to share them without hurting. To achieve this, you can start by noting all the moments when you give your opinion without being asked. Little by little, you can try to reduce all these moments, until they disappear.
On paper, we all want to take responsibility. In reality, it's sometimes very complicated to recognize our wrongs.
We quickly end up blaming someone else, as Marshall Rosenberg shows by taking the example of Nazi criminal Adolf Eichmann.
While on trial for sending thousands of people to death camps, Eichmann explained that bureaucratic language prevented him from becoming aware of his own crimes. He was always following orders, which no one wanted to take responsibility for. He had to do what his superior had ordered him because of his hierarchy, which itself was obliged to do what the person above had said. A sleight of hand that allowed each person to clear themselves.
Fortunately, our daily obligations are not of the same order. But the logic remains the same: we continue to answer "I'd love to come, but I can't" or "I'd really like to, but I have to do something else."
Of course we'd prefer to go to a good restaurant every lunchtime, rather than eating on the go between two meetings. And of course we can't do it every day. But if we think about the newly opened restaurant every lunchtime, raging that we can't go there, pretending it's someone else's fault, maybe it's time to take back power over our choices and take responsibility.
To achieve this, you can try to:
One of the main aspects of NVC is being able to share what we feel. Reading this, you might think: "what kind of super basic communication advice is this?"
Yes, it seems obvious. And yet, we almost always express a judgment, rather than an emotion or a need.
For example, if you tell your interlocutor that they are unpleasant or superficial, you don't give any indication of your:
Except that behind every judgment lies an emotion, which indicates a root need. So, before making a reproach or criticism, Marshall invites us to understand the unsatisfied need behind it.
You love the person you share your life with. Except that you spend your time cleaning up after them and tidying up the stuff they leave lying around everywhere. You reproach them for not doing enough housework and being messy. It deeply annoys you, especially since you've already told them 100 times and nothing changes.
Let's be honest: having a different vision of household chores can be a real source of arguments in a couple.
But it won't get better if everyone reacts without trying to understand their own emotions. Every time you feel irritation, annoyance or anger, try to identify the need hiding behind it.
Maybe you'd like to be more:
Once this need is identified, it will be much easier to share it. To make sure the message gets across, take the time to express your emotions clearly and with as little judgment as possible. Talk about what you feel, rather than what you reproach the other person for.
Here, you could for example say:
"When you leave your dishes in the sink, I feel upset and annoyed. I need to know that I am heard and respected and in this situation, I feel like that's not the case."
If your way of experiencing an emotion is unique, our needs are universal. Each person therefore has the resources within them to succeed in understanding the needs of others. What differs from one person to another are just the types of communication used.
Keeping this in mind, you can develop a nonviolent communication mode at work or in your private life to:
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